Feast vs. Famine

“It’s either feast or famine.” You’ve heard the expression; you probably have a general idea of what it means.  In modern day vernacular, we generally use the idiom to signify that things are either going very well or very badly with no in-between, i.e., success or failure.  In its original form, it was “feast or fast” which pairs two more precisely opposite terms.  For today’s split, step, blended, extended and otherwise non-nuclear, non-traditional families, Thanksgiving brings a little of each.  

For divorced parents who are splitting the time they have with their children over the holiday, the mindset has become largely either/or.  Either the children are with me or they are with my ex-husband.  Either we do Thanksgiving dinner the way WE (meaning MY family) has always done it, or we do it the way THEY (HER family) has always done it.   Either I have the children when I want them or she has them when she wants them.  In a nutshell, what we are saying is, it is either my way (the right way) or his way (the wrong way). . . feast or famine.

Stop a moment and look at it through the eyes of your children.  For the little ones, Thanksgiving is a time to outline their hands with crayons to make paper turkeys for place cards; a time to color bountiful baskets of colorful fruits and vegetables; and a time to gaze in wonder as a gigantic Barney balloon towers over Cinderella’s float in the Macy’s parade.  For the middle-schoolers, Thanksgiving is a time to help in the kitchen, learning to prepare a ‘secret’ family recipe of green beans mixed with Campbell’s soup and Durkee onions.  For the high school and college crowd, Thanksgiving is all the memories of previous years rushing in while the turkey sizzles in the oven and the (UT or A&M) football team rushes onto the field ready to crush the opponent.

The Thanksgiving feast isn’t just about the food, although feast is certainly an apt description.   It is about the feast for the eyes that view loved ones gathered at the same table; it is about the abundance of love we feel for our family.  It is a whole season of joy and blessing culminating in one special meal.

The feast part is fun to describe; the famine, not so much.  The famine is the silence in the house before the children come and after they are gone.  The famine is the empty spot in your heart where your family once lived.  When the Bible addresses famine, the instruction is to prepare for famine by storing up supplies.  The Bible also promises that God will protect his people in times of famine. 

Today, we can look to these truths as we get ready for our holiday.  Some suggestions for success are: 1) Prepare yourself by making plans to do something you enjoy during the times in the week when your child is with the other parent;  2) Store up joyful memories by making the most of the time you are together;  3) Remember and give thanks for God’s promises for you and your loved ones; and, finally, 4) Instead of looking at the way “WE” do it or “THEY” do it, create traditions that are OURS to remember.

If you think about it, is not such a bad thing to have both feast and famine.  After all, opposites attract and without the famine we would not truly appreciate the feast.

Sydney’s Law:  “Let them give thanks to the Lord for his faithful love.  Let them give thanks for the miracles he does for his people.” -- Psalm 107:8

Valor vs. Victory

Every time I hear the Star Spangled Banner, I get a little chill and a few tears come to my eyes; same thing happens with America the Beautiful.  When I say that, it makes me sound emotional and a little sappy, and frankly, I am neither.  In fact, I am probably a little too stoic for my own good.  But those songs strike a chord deep within my soul.  I feel the same way when I see the flag pass by in a parade or a soldier dressed in a crisp uniform.

Today is Veteran’s Day.  My office is blessed with four veterans – three men and one woman.  Each served this country proudly and at least one still bears some of the leftover scars of Viet Nam.  Thinking about the men and women who served our country in the past and who are serving today, I am reminded of how much we owe each and every one.  I am reminded that America is still beautiful because of their commitment to maintaining our freedom and to their courage . . . their valor.

Valor literally means strength; strength of mind that enables a person to face danger bravely and firmly; strength that creates heroes.  The goal of a soldier is victory, which we all know means to win; to conquer against all odds; to prevail and to achieve success in a struggle; or to overcome an obstacle.

Parties facing legal struggles, including divorce and custody battles, want to prevail.   Like soldiers, the clients and the attorneys march forward; sometimes we do not count the cost.  We forget to bring valor into the equation; we leave heroic strength behind like a fallen comrade, hoping to retrieve it later, when there is a lull in the fighting.

The problem with leaving valor behind is that we fail to take the steps needed to achieve a positive result.  We scorch the earth and throw grenades from behind our bunkers, but we rarely display the bravery necessary for justice.  If valor is in the mix, combating parents can become brave enough to put the children first and to recognize that guerilla warfare may not be in the long-term best interest of the family.  A final order can only work as a peace treaty if there is valor present.

In 1918, in the 11^th hour, on the 11^th day, of the 11^th month, World War I came to a long-awaited end with the cease-fire (armistice) between battle weary German forces and the Allied troops.  Although the Treaty of Versailles was not signed until June of 1919, the war was, for all intents and purposes, over.  In 1919, President Wilson proclaimed November 11^th as the first Armistice Day in remembrance of all of the lives which were tragically lost in the war.  In proclaiming November 11^th, now called Veteran’s Day, a national holiday, Congress called upon the nation to “perpetuate peace through good will and mutual understanding.” 

Today we honor our military personnel for their valor and their courage under fire.  We salute their willingness to put the lives and welfare of others ahead of their own.  We hope that we at home can live up to the sacrifices our armed forces are willing – even eager – to make for us.  We pray that we can be as brave, honorable and noble on the home front and in our daily lives as our soldiers are overseas.

Victory is sometimes called ‘hollow’ or ‘empty’; winning isn’t everything, and sometimes it is nothing.  Over and over we hear “at what price victory?”  Valor is always steady, always true and always certain.  Which will you choose?

Syd’s Law:  For Our Soldiers...(and for those who battle here at home):  "Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." – Joshua 1:9

Children vs. Chattel

child noun, often attributive \ˈchī(-ə)ld\; plural chil·dren\ˈchil-drən, -dərn\

a : a young person especially between infancy and youth b : a childlike or childish person c : a person not yet of age

b : a son or daughter of human parents

chat·tel noun \ˈcha-t^əl\

 a: an item of tangible movable or immovable property except real estate

b: things (as buildings) connected with real property

par·ent noun \ˈper-ənt\

a : one that begets or brings forth offspring

b : a person who brings up and cares for another

Last week I talked about my friend Lona, whose home was destroyed by a tornado, and compared the destruction of a tornado to the devastation of divorce.  To paraphrase Paul Harvey, now for the rest of the story . . .

The family is the first institution created by God; He hates to see a family split apart.  In today’s society, however, our free will and our unfortunate choices probably make divorce inevitable.

When a couple is going through the trauma of a divorce, their home being ripped to shreds, everything they have shared becomes a battleground.  Enter their children.  The most common two things we hear from divorcing couples are, “He/she is never going to get my children.” And, “If I have to pay child support, I am going to take the children.”  Think about that for a moment.

The children have become chattel, or property.  They are used as weapons, as bargaining chips and as go-betweens for parents who can no longer communicate.   The children, whose home is now cracked and crumbling, need extra love, attention and support.  Instead they are pushed and pulled and prodded until they have no anchor; no safe place.  They are a big part of something they barely understand; they are lost in the battle of bitterness and blame.

What happens to these children?  They act out; their grades drop; they begin to dread being at home.  They aren’t nice or polite to either parent for fear of being accused of taking sides; or they begin to manipulate both parents by pretending to take sides.  Sometimes they have to become the grown-up, as in “he’s my little man” or “she’s just like a little mother to her sister.”  I doubt this is what the parents intended; I know this is not what the Lord would want.

In my office, we take children’s rights seriously.  We require that our clients read, review and sometimes re-read and re-review the Children’s Bill of Rights.  We ask our clients to attend parenting classes, whether the court requires it or not, and we remind our clients that they are parents first.

           Parents can be a blessing to their children even through the haze of pain they are experiencing as their world is torn apart.  They can set a good example by behaving as adults, they can insulate their children from arguments whenever possible, and they can put the best interest of the child first.

Legal Professionals can also be a blessing to the children of divorcing couples.  Divorce Lawyers can attempt to settle cases quickly and expeditiously; they can refuse to use the children as negotiation points; they can protect the very ones who are hurt the most and who have the least control over the situation. Paralegals and staff in law firms can provide support and encouragement for parents who are attempting to be strong and courageous and upright, helping to sustain the family’s values – and the value of the family – in what can be an untenable situation.

Sydney’s Law:  “Praise the LORD! Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who greatly delights in his commandments! (2) His offspring will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed.” -- Psalms 112:1-2

Children's Bill of Rights

http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/billofrights.htm

CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS

Marriage is a contract between adults, and when it ends, the matter is between the adults also. Yet no parental action has a greater impact on children. Children love their parents and want to be with them. Even in times of great stress, parents have a responsibility to conduct their legal affairs in a manner that will protect their children from adult conflicts.

At a minimum, children are entitled to the following Bill of Rights:

1. Neither parent shall deny the child reasonable use of the telephone to place and receive calls with the other parent and relatives.

2. Neither parent shall speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child, or engage in abusive, coarse or foul language, which can be overheard by the child whether or not the language involves the other parent.

3. Neither parent shall permit the children to overhear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions about legal or business dealings between the parents.

4. Neither parent shall physically or psychologically attempt to pressure, attempt to influence, pressure or influence the children concerning the personal opinion or position of the child concerning legal proceedings between the parents.

5. Each parent will permit the child to display photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child's room.

6. Neither parent shall communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child concerning the other parent's choice of values, lifestyle, choice of friends, successes or failures in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice.

7. The parents will acknowledge to the child that the child has two homes although the child may spend more time at one home than the other.

8. The parents shall cooperate to the greatest extent practicable in sharing time with the child.

9. Each parent will permit the child to retain, and allow easy access to, correspondence, greeting cards, and other written materials received from the other parent.

10. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of items possessed by the child which depict the other parent or remind the child of the other parent.

11. Neither parent will trivialize, or deny the existence of the other parent to the child.

12. Neither parent will interrogate the child about the other parent nor will either parent discourage comments by the child about the other parent.

13. Neither parent will intercept, "lose", derail, "forget" or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent.

14. Neither parent will refuse to acknowledge that the child can have or should have good experiences with the other parent.

15. Neither parent will directly or indirectly attack or criticize to the child the extended family of the other parent, the other parent's career, the living and travel arrangements of the other parent, or lawful activities of the other parent or associates of the other parent.

16. Neither parent will use the child as a "middleman" by using the child to communicate with the other parent on inappropriate topics.

17. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child by engaging in the "circumstantial syndrome" which is done by manipulating, changing, or rearranging facts.

18. Neither parent will create for, or exaggerate to, the child differences between the parents.

19. Neither parent will say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an "ally" against the other parent.

20. Neither parent will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents, or relatives.

21. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively toward the other parent.

22. Neither parent will try to make the child believe he or she loves the child more than the other parent, by, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or over-informing the child on adult topics or overindulging the child.

23. Neither parent will discuss child support issues with the child.

24. Neither parent will engage in judgmental, opinionated or negative commentary, physical inspections or interrogations once the child arrives from his/her other home.

25. Neither parent will "rewrite" or "re-script" facts which the child originally knows to be different.

26. Neither parent will punish the child physically or threaten such punishment in order to influence the child to adopt the parent's negative program, if any, against the other parent.

27. Neither parent will permit the child to be transported by a person who is intoxicated due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs.

28. Neither parent will smoke tobacco materials inside structures or vehicles occupied at the time by the child.

29. Each parent will permit the child to carry gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child with him or her to the residence of the other parent or relatives or permit the child to take gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent, as the case may be, to facilitate the child having with him or her objects, important to the child. The gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child referred to here mean items which are reasonable transportable and does not include pets (which the parents agree are impractical to move about).